I was there !

livid...

I've given up completely.
I have been bidding on ebay for the last 3 days only to loose 3 sets of tickets to see mystery jets(&kooks) tonight.
lost
all
!!!
I'm not even happy with anything right now.
I have so much work to do.
not going to go photography tonight, fuck it.
I swear people are purposely making me feel worse.
All I wanted to do was print my personal statement so I can sort it out right
and some dickhead is using the only working printer to print 439 pages....

WHO
DOES
THIS.


hating life
want everyone to FUCK OFF.

I havent thought of a title

I've tried writing this by explaining everything… it didn’t work. Most of this cant be explained. Like I should hate you and part of me does after everyone telling me I should. But most of me just misses.

I think this is a failed shot/protest/plead/blahblah whatever. Everything else is so public, this should be public too. Seems like we can’t talk to each other unless it’s over a fucking blog. You wont look at this, so I'll have to tell you to. But then you still might not, or you will and then just ignore it. Please don’t do that ... I might actually vomit.

I want us to be okay again. I was worried that if you saw me on Saturday you'd abuse me. I thought it'd be best if you'd ignore me. Just both of us pretend the other doesn’t exist. That’s what we did, but that felt so wrong, i felt so ill. Amy can tell you how fucked up I was that day/night and early hours of the next morning. (Btw, I told Amy not to like stop talking to you when I got there cos I don’t want anyone taking sides cos of me. This is only to do with you and me. cos I think amber is not talking to me, that sucks. But yeah sorry if it came across like that on Saturday)

I don’t know how this will work. I don’t have any feelings for you anymore so things wont get complicated and fucked like before, I don’t want either of us wrapping the other one around our little finger like before. I don’t want to feel any hate with us anymore. I'm really good at not caring, not being angry. I'm good at apologising my arse off and obviously embarrassing myself ! So getting back to being normal people should be so easy.

I don’t even want to talk about this shit anymore. I know we can’t pretend it didn’t happen, but could we ignore all this instead of ignoring each other ?

I want to be your mate again. Purely mates!
Prepare yourself for the gayest thing I’ve ever said:
"There feels like there’s a massive gap in my life now. I miss our telly nights. I miss 'taxi driver u r fuk, Gem u r reli gud.' I miss how nice you actually are, you phoning me almost everyday when I was in Leysdown, I was so thankful. I miss telling you everything that’s happened to me. I want to tell you all about the uni I'm hoping to be at this time next year. I want to tell you about the significance of the phrase 'I shot John Lennon'. I want to tell you all about Saturday night with Amy haa!!! I want to tell you that I don’t eat meat anymore and its going so so good, and say thank you for making me eat that veggie burger at your house. I want to tell you about all the things that make me go 'Ahh I should really tell R- oh shit'. Most of all I want to hear about everything that’s happened with you. Basically.

The best memory I have f us was the morning after I stayed at yours. Not because I was lying in bed with you, I don’t want that anymore. It was because we had such a good chat, about all the small insignificant things. We were literally at that point such good mates. That’s what I miss. You can say it was all fake but the conversations we had weren’t at all and that’s the only thing I want back. I hope that this gets through to you SO BAD.

Being gay is over. I'll regret this after I come down from the buzz of my 6th coffee. SO JUST SAY ANYTHING. (Abuse seems better than being ignored right now)

p.s. well done for passing your test. Nice car !

Nothing to do

I'm at sixth form, putting off work watching videos and I just have one thing to share.



http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=oSgX8dTFbWc

0:55... does alfie spit.... ? errrr

Looking at Jack just makes me laugh, over and over and over and haaaaaa.
out!

oh p.s. wtffffff




okay another video.
orgasm on stage for like the last minute haaa



and new song! its mental how good these are.




If you throw a bottle at Josh, you fucking get told HAAAAA

My days are filled

The uni list currently stands at:
Rochester?
Epsom
London fashon college ?
Ravensbourne

Start work in Debenhams soon. So far my hours are 10 - 7 on Saturdays. When I start, gonna need some company on lunch break pwease.

Just got back from Kew gardens, most beautiful place i've ever been. serious.

Halloween party tomorrow night. I am Peter Pan. Forever.

Goodnight !

This is me !

bed, yugo, youtube, pwpwpw♥, ben&jerrys, wine, my dog, my sister, trees, Huve, rats, chinatown, az your van broken?!, world ending, mouthwash, fancy goods, coffee, lesser panda, quiet, crazyshambles, nick's pure desire to help, I spy with my little eye, blyk, guestlists, babeh, happy songs, parks in the sun, starbucks, Hoodia, asda, thanks o2, size zero, reading everything, Topher's 'life size' scale explanation of world war two, spearology, truuuuuuth, being a bit married, lolcats, this is canterbury, 2am texts, 3am phone calls, o hai, blog fights, hand gestures, Robyn generally, 5ft4, tall guys:), single pringle 4evz and having zero feelings.






(I'll always add more!)

now

so today, I came online to see someone rudely link me to an awful blog ful of loads of bullshit all about me. At first yes yes yes I was so upset, felt ill that someone I thought had a heart could write utter shit about someone they'd once called a genuine friend. Now I could be an utter bitch and write so much about them to make them just as upset as I was, but that would bring me down to their level. That is something I don't want to be. I'm not heartless enough, obviously not as heartless as him.

the blog read like this:
'Discontent

i never intended to write deeply important shit about myself on here, but i feel this is the only way i will my make my voice heard with one shot.

a few days ago someone literally threw me into the bin, closed the lid and walked away. in a sense, i should’ve been disgusted…but i’m not. i’ll put it this way; my toy fell apart before i could throw it away.
a melting ice cream or a bit of fun you could say.
i fucked you around, i pissed you off whenever i pleased, i made you happy whenever i pleased, i gave you false hope when i knew you never stood a chance. i fucked around with your mind and i enjoyed it so so much and it took you so long to realise. why i even saw you or even called you my friend is something i still don’t understand, because you are worthless.
enjoy your shitty life, everyone is starting to hate you. you’re scum that no-one cares about.

some of those lines will come into some lyrics i’m writing for a new music project. but they all having meaning with effect.'

Lets start at the beggining.

'a few days ago someone literally threw me into the bin, closed the lid and walked away. in a sense,' - You make it sound worse than it was. I was saving my own skin from being totured by your horrible attitudes anymore. I had enough of it and didnt want to deal with it.

'i should’ve been disgusted…but i’m not.' - This whole blog might not show that you were disgusted, but it obviously shows you cared enough and were pissed off enough to write a blog about it. Even more evidence, I hadnt spoken to you for two day preivious and you'd writte 'gem stop ignoring me' on one of your other blogs.

'i fucked you around, i pissed you off whenever i pleased, i made you happy whenever i pleased, i gave you false hope when i knew you never stood a chance. i fucked around with your mind and i enjoyed it so so much and it took you so long to realise.' - This all true, but what did you gain from this... nothing. I gained everything I wanted from this. what you dont realise is that it was always in my hands. I never tried that hard with you to get exactly what I wanted. I could have walked away any time I wanted and you still would have been as vexed as this blog shows you are now. sure it took me a while to click that you were just the worst person i've possibly ever met but i did realise and it pissed you off so much that I finally did something about it.

'why i even saw you or even called you my friend is something i still don’t understand, because you are worthless.' - yes but you did genuinly think I was such a good mate of yours. You once even valued me as one of your best mates, which must hurt knowing that I never held you so close to me. You never came any higher than the people I already knew were my life, but I once came higher than yours. How much must your friend life suck.

'enjoy your shitty life, everyone is starting to hate you. you’re scum that no-one cares about.' - No one but you is starting to hate me... I can pull out soo many names of people that care about me. I have no idea where you plucked this bullshit from.

'some of those lines will come into some lyrics i’m writing for a new music project.' - THIS MAKES ME LAUGH!

its really raining

I know I said i'd have videos from leysdown. and I do but unfortunatly my computer hates uploading vids to youtube so your gonna have to wait. I've been back for like just over a week, maybe two. Leysdown was crap, any moron could have guessed that. Losts happened but the only highlight was maidstone, robyn coming down and the rare occasion when I got taken home for various things.

First of all, this summer holiday has been aweful. Really aweful. Weather has been horrid. I've not really dont much and I have actually experienced the worst days ever during this summer. First of all was 14th August. Results and dentist. need I explain more? no. and the second, I cant remeber the date. bit of a blur. but not long after the 14th. The gold inlay that the dentist shoved in my tooth came out so we went to an emergency dentist in rochester. Absolutly kakking it I was, and I had good reason too beacause they took 5 seconds putting in a temp filling 'cos only my dentist could put in a new gold inlay. I walked out that dentist crying my eyes out. All the way back to leysdown I was crying my eyes out, in the worst pain I have ever had! The day turned into a bit of a blur because as soon as I got back to leysdown I had taken 2 very strong paracetamols which knocked me out completely and I was asleep for hours! Horrible days!

So anyway, I'm back. Its raining. I'm bored. School on monday. Youtube is god.

Recently, my love for youtube has rocketed. I really fucking looove it. I love those kids (normally boys) that make the most random videos but refuse to upload them unless they are funny. and most of them are. but then you get addicted to watching them. wether they are funny or not. love youtube, love it!

As I said, I'm bored. I hadnt eaten all day and i was like 1pm so I thought. cure boredom; eat! So I made myself 1 slice of cheese on toast and I decided to count how many calories were on this one slice. I weighed everything properly etc etc. I normally have danish bread which is half the calories of normal bread but unfortunatly, didnt have any. So I worked out that with normal bread, 10g or normal cheese (not sure which one we use :/) and 5g of light butter it is 160 calories. I'm quite impressed. I though it'd be much more than that. with the cheese and everything. THIS IS HOW BORED I AM!

Also, lately, been getting a lot of un wanted agro from males. Its not nice. Obviously not gonna completely spill my love life in a blog. but it is quite litrally doing my head in. So I've decided to get rid of this agro and the boys! they probs wont get any warning but what the hell!

In other news. no mcdonalds is going well, not had any since march 13th! Dont really fancy it. Makes me feel a bit ill. However, the 'not eating meat' thing isnt going too well. I really do like meat too much. However, i'm trying my hardest. Mums going shopping today. I'm making her get me meat free everything because it doesnt taste too bad. So yeah, good luck yo me!

byez!x

A Goodbye Message!

WasssuP :)! So lately i've been around. Been out with everyone possible because yet again i'm being dragged down leysdown. Robyns in Barcelona and of course i'm missing her but I feel more like a mum 'cos i'm dead worried about her. I've got visions of them missing their plane home. ohhh nooo. But lovely paige and Alex will look after her, I know! She should be getting back late tonight so tomorrow morning I am rushing to her house to see her before I go to Leysdown. I dont care if shes asleep, she gotsta see me quickly aha. So I had a really good day on Tuesday. Went out shopping with Amy, that was a lot of fun. Then rushed home to go nandos with Tom and JJ. seeing JJ for the first time in 3 billion years. Then we walked through romford and park. It was really nice. Those two are my boys and (even though JJ is fkdjghkjhgfd) they always will be. Yesterday was nice too. After a horrible trip to the dentist I met up with Nick and Hannah. We sat in star bucks for what felt like forever, just chastting about everything. mostly films. I think we were actually sitting there for about 2 hours. mad. I luuuuuv those two!

Oh canterburys video is now up. see if you can spot me, Robyn and Amy...


So i'm gone for 3 weeks now. Plus, I dont have credit til the 17th, and no internet coverage down there. sucks sucks sucks!! I come back on the 7th (for underage on the 8th) go back late on the 8th. I come back on the 14th (for results and dentist) and go back that day. I'm also coming back on the 18th (not missing my best friends birthday!!) Other than that, you'll find me in maidstone, sheppy, leysdown, sheerness and sittingbourne! oh and maybe sawnscombe if I can blag a visit to Rossy for a day. I might go Rochester to see whats its like. Good ol uni!

None of you believe me when I say leysdown is worse than Romford, is just so so crap. Even though even Robyn backs me up on it. So i've decided to make videos to show you how aweful it is. The only highlight for me is bottsales and now walking my dog! seriously, i'll make a documentary on my three weeks in leysdown!

So, like, call me at some point. I'll be so so bored. If you dont have my number. Ask Robyn and she'll be able to tell you if your safe enough to have it. Neeks welcome but no twats!

byezzzzzzzzzzzzz. miss me!

sleep is the cure

o hai der, I dint see ya ceilin' cat. I've had the nicest two days, with their downsides too.

Wednesday:
Took be about 485734 hours to wake up, then another 5476 hours to get ready. Then I had to pikey it up and stash clothes and sheet in Robyns backgarden 'cos she wasnt there and then rush to islington before Amy drank herself silly (I was too late haha). So Amys drunk, and orange. Robyns in pain, and sexy. I'm looking like a boy, and really needing a drink. I didnt mind spending like nearly £8 on just 2 strongbows because that was the nicest strongbow i've ever had. The challenge me and Robyn set ourseles to be in a 'this is canterbury' video was achieved. Unfortunatly, we looked like goons. Also, I think me and Amy will be in WATO tour vid :lllll!
Bands went like this:
Burndown Rome - No thanks.
All Forgotten - Still not impressed
Canterbury - (L)(L)
We are the ocean - (L)

Thursday:
Woke up at 5am. Got ready. Went home. Charged me phone for a while. Then went to Victoria. Livid that there was only a nero. Then found a costa. Got an iced latte. Then livid again when I found out there was a starbucks just outside the station. Train to Brighton was funny. Then...
Brighton beach, Brighton beach, Brighton beach, Brighton beach. BRIGHTONBEACH!
It was fun at first. Horror hotel was a laugh. That ride that like played 2 seconds of James Brown made me livid, just made me want to listen to the whole song. I went on that booster ride. If you dont know what i'm on about, its hard to explain so just look it up. I had Lisa screaming 'I hate you. I really fucking hate you.' next to me and everytime i opened my eyes all i could see was white. It was so so sicK! Sadly though, Steph lost her phone on one ride, that sucks. We went on waltzer about 300 times and the last time we went on it and I got off, I got my ankle caught and cut it badly. Its seriously disgusting! A lot happened and by the end of the day, 3 kids walked away with a playstation 3 each, lucky fuckers. Also comeing home I had the worst toothache ever. it was cry worthy pain.

and now today, I am so so tired. I'm dying my hair aswell today. Say goodbye to fire power :( Its just too much to handle!

BYEZ!

So negi

Its disappointing really, that for the past 3 years i've never been quite good enough but then some myspace girl with a huge konk (or tits which she gets out on the regz) always is. Its strange 'cos I never ask for much. Infact, I think the only thing i've actually ever asked for is for 'things to go smoothly for a change' does that ever happen, no ? Theres your proof God and miracles dont exist. That blind person that all of a sudden could see or that paralysed person that could all of a sudden walk was either just a freak of nature or a commercial fake. Nothing good ever comes without a price. That snog came with a price, easy lust and heartache. Next time Robyn, please give me the advice before things like this happen! Thats what i've got to start doing, listening to my best friends advice. The words 'I really dont trust him Gem' should be taken seriously with caution. Basically, confused.com

Atleast one good thing has come of this, I realised something. Theres the people who dont understand and couldnt give a fuck if they know your upset, their soul purpose is how if effects them and them only. Then, theres the people who know straight away and text you and try their hardest to talk to you til ridiculous times in the morning. Robyn & Amy (if they knew what was going on at the time), Jamie Tuffs, Webby (:l), cant name the other one but he knows who he is. Oh and then theres the person who gets a different category of his own (Robyn should be here too cos i know she would have been just the same) The guy that not only spent ages chatting to me, making sure I was alright but also wanted to do something to make things right. Nick, your such a babe and your protection is gold.

I cant sit here and say 'hate life. give up with boys blah blah'! everyone knows that wont happen. Everyones knows that on wednesday, i'll be standing there, off my face, watching canterbury, all forgotten and we are the ocean and then go back to robyns and have such a laugh, get up ridiculously early and have such a good time at brighton on thursday. All while that happens i'll have a huge smile on my face and in the back of my mind i'll be thinking 'jeez, bmxers are so fit. soo much eye candy at rom jam' I guess though, at the same time, the feeling of not being good enough will gloom over me like a rain cloud in sunny 'ol England.


LIGHTER NOTE:!!!
University is going to be SO sweet. I have just over a year to wait. If I get through this year, I am set with a smile for the next 3!

To do list for today:
1) keep my phone on so people can get at me if they wanna do something
2) curl up on sofa
3) watch paris je t'amie without falling asleep
4) have the longest bath i've ever had
5) go out and buy I.d. or something amusing
6) Go to robyns and pick up our baby camera cos the school have decided they want it back now :( seriously gutted about that.
7) Help out parents later tonight
8) sleeeeeeep!

i r dun. bai!

oh p.s... LUKE WORRELL (L) KELLY OSBOURNE?!

Start on a high

So hai. Its the day after my 17th birthday. I've had a mad crazy weekend. Its been amazing and only 364 days til i'm 18.

So it was cool seeing Ross before he went to newquay. We went for a walk. He brought a vinyl which made him ridiculously happy. Then I made him sit in starbucks to have some coffee. He cant deny that he loved it. Sitting on the green watching tennis at canary warf was a nice end to the day. I love the stuff me and Ross talk about. Basically. No matter how sleepy I felt!

My parents went to leysdown for the weekend. They left on friday. For the second year in a row I was not with my parents on my birthday. At which I took full advantage! Had some people over on friday night. Robyn, Nick, Tom, David and Hannah. Pizza gogo round the corner made a lot of money from us lot on friday/saturday. It was a lot of fun.

Then, of course, satruday was my birthday :)! Finally 17 and so so posi. Went to see The Rocket Summer.

It was one of the best gigs I have ever been to. This aint where its at, my friends will second that, and I got to admit, sometimes its pretty sad but its like we're our own brat pack! Bryce was so lovely to watch and I danced and it was so nice to like share the night with my best ever friend. Best songs of the night: Brat Park (just because it had a huge meaning to me and Robyn) and Cross my heart (because the crowd was PUMPED and Bryce just made it amazing) Unfortunatly, when we went into the gig, security had to take the video camera off us so we lost our baby for a while but we got him back straight after! Also, on the way back into the station after it we saw Rob Baker which was really cool. Theres just one thing I'd like to add. This one guy standing in front of us for the first part of the Rocket summer, this is to him: "Just because your mate was fit with his dunlop and ginger hair and just 'cos you've had a couple of 2% watered down beers doesnt mean you can be a prick. Also, you stood there pretty much saying 'I dont even like Rocket Summer'... well someones really did waste their money." done.

so yeah for the rest of today I am going to catch up on ihascheezburger.com and wait til 8pm for the finale of the hills which i'm so excited about.
Thats it folks, kbai!

oh p.s. Has everyone seen Lindsay Lohan's new GIRLFRIEND ? :lll