I havent thought of a title

I've tried writing this by explaining everything… it didn’t work. Most of this cant be explained. Like I should hate you and part of me does after everyone telling me I should. But most of me just misses.

I think this is a failed shot/protest/plead/blahblah whatever. Everything else is so public, this should be public too. Seems like we can’t talk to each other unless it’s over a fucking blog. You wont look at this, so I'll have to tell you to. But then you still might not, or you will and then just ignore it. Please don’t do that ... I might actually vomit.

I want us to be okay again. I was worried that if you saw me on Saturday you'd abuse me. I thought it'd be best if you'd ignore me. Just both of us pretend the other doesn’t exist. That’s what we did, but that felt so wrong, i felt so ill. Amy can tell you how fucked up I was that day/night and early hours of the next morning. (Btw, I told Amy not to like stop talking to you when I got there cos I don’t want anyone taking sides cos of me. This is only to do with you and me. cos I think amber is not talking to me, that sucks. But yeah sorry if it came across like that on Saturday)

I don’t know how this will work. I don’t have any feelings for you anymore so things wont get complicated and fucked like before, I don’t want either of us wrapping the other one around our little finger like before. I don’t want to feel any hate with us anymore. I'm really good at not caring, not being angry. I'm good at apologising my arse off and obviously embarrassing myself ! So getting back to being normal people should be so easy.

I don’t even want to talk about this shit anymore. I know we can’t pretend it didn’t happen, but could we ignore all this instead of ignoring each other ?

I want to be your mate again. Purely mates!
Prepare yourself for the gayest thing I’ve ever said:
"There feels like there’s a massive gap in my life now. I miss our telly nights. I miss 'taxi driver u r fuk, Gem u r reli gud.' I miss how nice you actually are, you phoning me almost everyday when I was in Leysdown, I was so thankful. I miss telling you everything that’s happened to me. I want to tell you all about the uni I'm hoping to be at this time next year. I want to tell you about the significance of the phrase 'I shot John Lennon'. I want to tell you all about Saturday night with Amy haa!!! I want to tell you that I don’t eat meat anymore and its going so so good, and say thank you for making me eat that veggie burger at your house. I want to tell you about all the things that make me go 'Ahh I should really tell R- oh shit'. Most of all I want to hear about everything that’s happened with you. Basically.

The best memory I have f us was the morning after I stayed at yours. Not because I was lying in bed with you, I don’t want that anymore. It was because we had such a good chat, about all the small insignificant things. We were literally at that point such good mates. That’s what I miss. You can say it was all fake but the conversations we had weren’t at all and that’s the only thing I want back. I hope that this gets through to you SO BAD.

Being gay is over. I'll regret this after I come down from the buzz of my 6th coffee. SO JUST SAY ANYTHING. (Abuse seems better than being ignored right now)

p.s. well done for passing your test. Nice car !